So I think I have come to the conclusion I am incapable of falling in love again. Being in my late 30’s and pretty much single now for almost 9 years….dating randomly here and there after my marriage of 12 + yrs…I just don’t think it can happen. My girlfriends tell me I think like man!

I use to be so sweet and so giving when I was married, very caring and very loyal but after my ex-husband and I split 5 days after my 30th birthday in 2000 after I busted him on an affair, something changed in me. I can remember thinking before this happen, if I became single again, I would do one of two things either be so scared to go out and meet someone new so become a hermit and stay in all the time….or become a FREAK…or shall we say go on a SELF discovery a journey of learning who I am.

So I have been dating ever since, average relationship if you want to call it that lasting no more than 4 months…a few 6 or 7 months in there. I would meet someone really like them, felt like I was starting to fall in love with them, might have even said it a time or two. I can remember this one guy I totally adored and if would have felt the same back then I would have loved being with him, but now we are just really good friends. Then they would do something to tick me off and I would say, “You know what, you are just a boyfriend…if there is something you do not like here, there is the door you can hit it!” Then the pushing away would start…some stuck around off and on if the sex was good. I would just turn them into just that, SEX and I would tell them that, just be honest. I would say “I am done trying to fall in love with you or have a relationship with you, now its just about SEX because the sex it good. So until something better comes along you can be my pet and I will bring you out and play with you every once in awhile” This drove some of them crazy and turned a few in to stalkers! Once you start pushing people away like that or turn it into just sex, funny thing happens, they turn around and want a relationship or start to act right! But by then I was over it, then it just became entertaining to me…I was bored nothing interesting was going on so some I kept around just for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only…wow what a different person I turned into after my marriage. I will say this though, I have always been a very sexual person and never shy about what I wanted, but it was SO true about a woman in her 30’s and her sex drive turning on FULL BLAST…and it has not really turned off since…may be I am looking for my EQUAL in the SEX department may be that will be what will tame me again!!!

But then in 2005 it changed, I met someone I finally just clicked with him. He was a simple person easy going and just not difficult…very sweet and caring at first…there were some things of course that were not perfect even in the beginning. He was not career oriented, no real goals in life and had a 3 ½ yr old daughter but loved her to death and protected her with all that he had, he wasn’t a perfect dad but the better parent of the two. Totally opposite of my norm…but I adored him and finally was the old me again, I settled down, I acted like the old me when I was married, I only dated him, there was no one else…I was in love again it felt great! Then 1 ½ almost 2 years things changed and 6 months later we broke up, still trying to figure it all out…well I guess I know some young 22 yr old chic started working with him and he lost his mind!! Then the old SINGLE me was back just like that..for 7 months we broke up. I went right back into my mode of random ppl…didn’t care about them really. Developed the mentality out of sight out of mind, isn’t that just like a man? Then he was back…sending me text msg, telling me he missed me, and that he didn’t want me to end up with anyone else, he was stupid, didn’t know what he was thinking…and I fell for it and took him back!! Then 10 months later…over again, so now I am back in my mode of random people.

Now I had to tell you all this to lead up to this story. Also to explain why, I have decided not to fall in love or try to fall in love for awhile. So back in my mode…so I met this guy on line actually have known him for a VERY long time, only met him face to face once about 3 yrs ago. We never hooked up…but we recently started to chitchat online again. So I figured after 3 yrs, he could become my “Local BC”-don’t judge – a girl has needs, and before this it had been like over 2 months and I had had it and NEEDED it…and wanted nothing more..and he seemed like the perfect BC! He is in his mid 30’s doesn’t seem like he is no where near wanting to settle down or date just one person. So no commitment perfect no falling in love…no expectation from DAY ONE. So I finally went over and we “hooked up” a few months back …Sex was pretty good. But right afterwards, this man all of a sudden starts showing me pictures of his kids and his grandma! Then starts asking me questions about me and all curious…and I am thinking NO stop asking me questions, you are not suppose to be trying to get to know me! Then he calls me and is asking when he can see me again and we can do other things than just have sex! But then the next week I got really sick and then my period came the week after that. So when he asked to see me for sex and I told him I was on my period he asked again if I just wanted to hang out and I said I would call when my period ended so I think I made it clear to him now! He was a little upset at first, but we eventually we hooked up one more time. Now he is like we have to see each other more than just once in awhile…do this more often, but I think I am already over it. Well at least he seems to be on the same page as far as it being just sex again and not asking me to go do things together or asking me questions…so we will see if I will see him again.

But since I am not trying to fall in love nor just see one person right now…I have another friend…we will call him the “out of towner” BC. Again another internet friend, lives out of state. But has family here, so comes home sometimes. We mainly stay in touch online, we IM each other or text each other and actually have had some interesting conversations. We have known each other over a year as well but only recently tried to get together. But something happen can’t remember now, then I met someone that I really liked and kinda just stopped talking to everyone and was being good but then he turned flaky, so back to my single mode, so I started to talk to the out of towner again. Problem was he was a out of town, so I had to add a local to the mix….but then we finally got together and let me tell you..the sex was WOW….so I may be in a little trouble with this one…but as I was laying next to him and he was sound asleep and as incredible as the sex was, I couldn’t help but think do I really want to get to know this guy? Or is it just sex and remain friends, not let emotions get involved. Then I started to think about how I just did not have the patience to learn another mans habits or see if they can handle me at my worst etc. Then I started to think about my ex-boyfriend with the little girl (now if my GF’s that know me read this, it was just a weak moment, I have come to my senses since then) and just missed them! He of course, has been recently trying to get back with me again! But he is being more subtle this time, mainly using his daughter to stay in touch and telling me, she misses me and us. Uggh Over it all….

So I ask you, am I just confused so blocked from love that I am incapable of loving someone again? When I was with the ex-boyfriend it was nice to be in a relationship again, and I was good the whole time..no back pockets no nothing…so I know its there but I don’t want to get in the habits I was in before him. But here I go again trying to start the BC thing but already getting bored again…and want more. So I think I am throwing in the towel..over the BC’s already and don’t think I can love again, so NOW what???

To date someone and really see if it can grow in to love…..I really like the out-towner but lets face it do long distance relationships work? I tried it for like 3 months and that just was impossible. I just think I am incapable of love, true love anymore….

Dazed and Confused and Incapable to Love IN VEGAS