So I think I have come to the conclusion I am incapable of falling in love again. Being in my late 30’s and pretty much single now for almost 9 years….dating randomly here and there after my marriage of 12 + yrs…I just don’t think it can happen. My girlfriends tell me I think like man!

I use to be so sweet and so giving when I was married, very caring and very loyal but after my ex-husband and I split 5 days after my 30th birthday in 2000 after I busted him on an affair, something changed in me. I can remember thinking before this happen, if I became single again, I would do one of two things either be so scared to go out and meet someone new so become a hermit and stay in all the time….or become a FREAK…or shall we say go on a SELF discovery a journey of learning who I am.

So I have been dating ever since, average relationship if you want to call it that lasting no more than 4 months…a few 6 or 7 months in there. I would meet someone really like them, felt like I was starting to fall in love with them, might have even said it a time or two. I can remember this one guy I totally adored and if would have felt the same back then I would have loved being with him, but now we are just really good friends. Then they would do something to tick me off and I would say, “You know what, you are just a boyfriend…if there is something you do not like here, there is the door you can hit it!” Then the pushing away would start…some stuck around off and on if the sex was good. I would just turn them into just that, SEX and I would tell them that, just be honest. I would say “I am done trying to fall in love with you or have a relationship with you, now its just about SEX because the sex it good. So until something better comes along you can be my pet and I will bring you out and play with you every once in awhile” This drove some of them crazy and turned a few in to stalkers! Once you start pushing people away like that or turn it into just sex, funny thing happens, they turn around and want a relationship or start to act right! But by then I was over it, then it just became entertaining to me…I was bored nothing interesting was going on so some I kept around just for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only…wow what a different person I turned into after my marriage. I will say this though, I have always been a very sexual person and never shy about what I wanted, but it was SO true about a woman in her 30’s and her sex drive turning on FULL BLAST…and it has not really turned off since…may be I am looking for my EQUAL in the SEX department may be that will be what will tame me again!!!

But then in 2005 it changed, I met someone I finally just clicked with him. He was a simple person easy going and just not difficult…very sweet and caring at first…there were some things of course that were not perfect even in the beginning. He was not career oriented, no real goals in life and had a 3 ½ yr old daughter but loved her to death and protected her with all that he had, he wasn’t a perfect dad but the better parent of the two. Totally opposite of my norm…but I adored him and finally was the old me again, I settled down, I acted like the old me when I was married, I only dated him, there was no one else…I was in love again it felt great! Then 1 ½ almost 2 years things changed and 6 months later we broke up, still trying to figure it all out…well I guess I know some young 22 yr old chic started working with him and he lost his mind!! Then the old SINGLE me was back just like that..for 7 months we broke up. I went right back into my mode of random ppl…didn’t care about them really. Developed the mentality out of sight out of mind, isn’t that just like a man? Then he was back…sending me text msg, telling me he missed me, and that he didn’t want me to end up with anyone else, he was stupid, didn’t know what he was thinking…and I fell for it and took him back!! Then 10 months later…over again, so now I am back in my mode of random people.

Now I had to tell you all this to lead up to this story. Also to explain why, I have decided not to fall in love or try to fall in love for awhile. So back in my mode…so I met this guy on line actually have known him for a VERY long time, only met him face to face once about 3 yrs ago. We never hooked up…but we recently started to chitchat online again. So I figured after 3 yrs, he could become my “Local BC”-don’t judge – a girl has needs, and before this it had been like over 2 months and I had had it and NEEDED it…and wanted nothing more..and he seemed like the perfect BC! He is in his mid 30’s doesn’t seem like he is no where near wanting to settle down or date just one person. So no commitment perfect no falling in love…no expectation from DAY ONE. So I finally went over and we “hooked up” a few months back …Sex was pretty good. But right afterwards, this man all of a sudden starts showing me pictures of his kids and his grandma! Then starts asking me questions about me and all curious…and I am thinking NO stop asking me questions, you are not suppose to be trying to get to know me! Then he calls me and is asking when he can see me again and we can do other things than just have sex! But then the next week I got really sick and then my period came the week after that. So when he asked to see me for sex and I told him I was on my period he asked again if I just wanted to hang out and I said I would call when my period ended so I think I made it clear to him now! He was a little upset at first, but we eventually we hooked up one more time. Now he is like we have to see each other more than just once in awhile…do this more often, but I think I am already over it. Well at least he seems to be on the same page as far as it being just sex again and not asking me to go do things together or asking me questions…so we will see if I will see him again.

But since I am not trying to fall in love nor just see one person right now…I have another friend…we will call him the “out of towner” BC. Again another internet friend, lives out of state. But has family here, so comes home sometimes. We mainly stay in touch online, we IM each other or text each other and actually have had some interesting conversations. We have known each other over a year as well but only recently tried to get together. But something happen can’t remember now, then I met someone that I really liked and kinda just stopped talking to everyone and was being good but then he turned flaky, so back to my single mode, so I started to talk to the out of towner again. Problem was he was a out of town, so I had to add a local to the mix….but then we finally got together and let me tell you..the sex was WOW….so I may be in a little trouble with this one…but as I was laying next to him and he was sound asleep and as incredible as the sex was, I couldn’t help but think do I really want to get to know this guy? Or is it just sex and remain friends, not let emotions get involved. Then I started to think about how I just did not have the patience to learn another mans habits or see if they can handle me at my worst etc. Then I started to think about my ex-boyfriend with the little girl (now if my GF’s that know me read this, it was just a weak moment, I have come to my senses since then) and just missed them! He of course, has been recently trying to get back with me again! But he is being more subtle this time, mainly using his daughter to stay in touch and telling me, she misses me and us. Uggh Over it all….

So I ask you, am I just confused so blocked from love that I am incapable of loving someone again? When I was with the ex-boyfriend it was nice to be in a relationship again, and I was good the whole time..no back pockets no nothing…so I know its there but I don’t want to get in the habits I was in before him. But here I go again trying to start the BC thing but already getting bored again…and want more. So I think I am throwing in the towel..over the BC’s already and don’t think I can love again, so NOW what???

To date someone and really see if it can grow in to love…..I really like the out-towner but lets face it do long distance relationships work? I tried it for like 3 months and that just was impossible. I just think I am incapable of love, true love anymore….

Dazed and Confused and Incapable to Love IN VEGAS

So not single in sin city, but definetly going through the normal crap!!! Having a semi normal and interesting conversation in bed with your other half, goes ok….considering the fact he keeps asking me to “slob his knob”…lucky me huh ladies?….Then we get to the conversation on lifestyles..I say that I love our house, but I would be just as happy in an apartment or renting as long as I have my family and people around me I love and love me…because when you die ladies you can’t take things with you to the grave…… My other half states how the “American Dream” is to own your on home, work so you can provide for your family and have the better things in life(which he denies saying) and at the end of your life you can say I accomplished something! Now the ladies who know me, know of him…so my comment was “your obsessed with money”….I didn’t say it threatening, or even rudely I just said it….Guess what scoops Of crticism I received for that comment? That I belong with my
ex-husband and that I’m a loser with a loser mentality…Great…Please tell me..was my comment completely out of line? Ofcourse, there’s pieces I’m leaving out, but let’s b e honest…did that line call for that comment?…. We’re honest and since obviously I’m a loser, I cannot make the sound judgement of a normal person, I need some assistance….

So why I still talk to the asshole- who knows, but I am very proud of myself for the following rant I just gave him- feel free to copy and paste to the asses in your life sisters!

here is what I absolutley don’t understand- it’s not fate, its not Gods, its not that you can’t give me what I want- it’s that you DONT, you WONT, for some reason you see this as all out of your contraol when it is completely and totally in your hands and in your power
 and I think its very passive aggressive
I think you are not accepting any responsibility
 its annoying, its selfish to put it all on someone else
or something else or whatever
and I don’t get it because in every other aspect of your life you are in control
you accept responsibility
 you take action
but with me, for some reason, with ME, you just won’t
and it is very hurtful to love someone that throws that away and won’t give you a reason other than the gods
if you would just say, NO M, I don’t love you at least that I would understand- I could wrap my brain on that
but instead you put it on me
I have to be the one to say that and make it some self-actualization thing
and be hurt, and you sit there – la dee da- well I never meant to hurt you, well I don’t want to hurt you- I will do what you want
and I tell you what I want and you say, I’ve never been able to give you what you want!
it’s absolute bullshit is what it is
 you can take a day off for R, for family, you can get on a plane for a guys weekend, you can take a full 2 weeks to stay in London
you have power to do all that but you say you love me and you have no control as to if we ever see each other again
that you leave to fate
like I said I don’t fall in love often or easily- if you do good for you, but think long and hard before you just chew it up and spit it out
or even worse, just sit there and do nothing and let it just go by

Not going to be abother sucker in sin city!

So all my recent blogs about the click and the thing and letting go- I am a liar.  A total liar- sorry guys.  Because I did exactly what I tell all my friends NOT to do.  Igot sucked back in by the ex- the one- the ass- ha!  I let him talk to me and I believed him and all the crap that happened why we broke up (essentially his words never matched his actions- well the issue was actually that he never took ANY action) went away and I truly believed for a moment that things had changed.  And then WHAM!  Punch in the gut.  Which I probably karmic-ally deserved for all the punching in the face I did over The Bachelor (if you haven’t read that blog- read down!).

I cannot believe I cried.  In front of people.  In a bar.  And my bartender, my sweet, sweet bartender, said, “At least now I know your human.”  Which in a weird way made me feel a little bit better. 

It’s time to face facts.  He likes what he gets from me and I give it freely (he lives in another country, so don’t go there people).  He will never give back to me.  The thing is I don’t fall in love easily or often, so maybe its more heartwrenching to me when someone throws it away.  Throws me away.  And even today he is so passive aggressive.  Well, if that’s what you want- I’ll back off.  No, of course that’s not what I want.  I want you to stop being a complete and total selfish asshole.  I want you to give back, just a little bit.  I want you to get your stupid ass on a plane and see me and hold me and see where this is going and why we are so stuck on each other after 2 years.  I want to be one of your priorities.  I want you to care about my day, my life.  But he, he just wants me here, always there for him, knowing someone out there loves him I guess is enough.  To me love is a verb, to him, apparently it’s an adjective.

So that’s it folks.  I’ll get over it.  I always do.  You have to, right?  At least I know I have the capacity to love.   And I have great friends, and a great bartender.  That’s something!

Found my heart and it SUCKS in sin city.

So a couple of weeks ago, a friend and I went to Hard Rock’s Center Bar.  We sometimes like to go there and play with tourists.  You know- sometimes we pretend my roommate can’t speak English and I translate, sometimes we are tourists, sometimes we tell them we are hookers just to scare the hell out of them, yada, yada.  It’s just something to do that, face it, you can only do if you live in Vegas.  But this last time, I must have been putting out a weird vibe or something.

So my friend goes to the bathroom and one of the bartenders comes over and hands me a slip of paper and tells me that one of the other bartenders wants to give me his number.  Of course, this other bartender is short, older, a little balding- in other words, really- not my type.  I already have a thing about dating someone in hospitality just because of the stress it puts on a relationship- especially when I am a 9-5′er.  He then comes over and tells me he didn’t ask him to do that but I am free to use it whenever I want and then takes care of our next round of drinks.  I guess that was cool- payment for my embarrassment.  I couldn’t tell my friend what was going on since we were sitting right in front of him, so I texted her.  We then proceeded to text back and forth about the situation.  Although, she was impressed with her upgraded free drink which was about twice the size of the one she paid for. . .

The next part I have to clarify because my friend use to date/be friends with a dealer there.  So, periodically, we would hang out there and we met a few of the dealers.  She then proceeds to tell me on the way back from the bathroom, a different dealer stopped her and asked if I was there.  He then got her number and asked her if I would want to go get a drink with him.  The whole arrange a date through a friend thing was kind of weird to me as we are all in our 30’s.  It was a little too, “find out if she likes me” sort of thing.  He seems nice enough, but again, not really my type.  All this action in one night!  LOL!

So I am still chatting online with the ex.  Sigh.  I guess I will never learn.  It is a little different and I did mean it about the click.  I still enjoy talking to him- he is really one of my best friends, with sexual undertones.  Which would be perfect if he lived in this country.  I guess where its different is when we are talking about visiting one another- I know, deep down, it won’t happen.  It’s just not one of his priorities.  I also know having expectations will just cause me disappointment and heartache.  But I like talking to him, so I will continue too, just no hope there anymore that maybe we could end up happy, well happy and together.  Hopefully we both end up happy! 

So now I’ve tried getting fixed up, the bar scene, the dance club scene, the online thing. . . please let me know what else to try- I think I am running out of options here!  (Although, no blind dates- see below!)

On the lighter side of life, my friend did agree to go on a blind date fix up.  She is 5′10″.  I mean, if you think I have height issues!  So the guy shows up, is about 5′5″ and apparently looked like relative of Danny DeVito from Guam- oh, with the lovely addition of a mole on the side of his nose!  Gotta love blind dates!

Still single in sin city!

Sorry I haven’t been posting.  There hasn’t been much to post really.  Kind of a dating dry spell- it really is a desert out there!  But I have one on this flirty banter I still have with an ex.  And it led to this conversation with my girlfriends about women and men.  A common thread was this “click off” women have.  It’s a weird thing- we try and try and we are forgiving and funny and in love, essentially.  Then a day comes and “click” it’s off.  We just can’t do it anymore.  Now in our defence this normally comes when a relationship has deteriorated but the man just seemingly ignores it, and we try and try and then we are done.  The fascinating thing is that once we are done, suddenly we are wanted again.  Suddenly, we are getting attention- the attention we wanted months ago, when we asked, we talked to it, we then yelled, then cried, etc., etc.  So now when the guy is wondering what the hell happened, it’s off.  We’re done.  It’s too late.  Good-bye.  This happened in my marriage.  I saw things slipping away.  I asked for conversations, I asked for weekly meals together, I asked for a date night and finally I was done.  I didn’t want to live my life always asking.  See, us women, we actually don’t like nagging and being the complainer.  We would rather have good times and laughter, but in meeting the man’s needs, sometimes we have our own, and when they are not being met, we will try and try again for the sake of love.  I am just tired of men getting it after the emotions have been turned off and there is no going back.  Why does it take us leaving for them to appreciate what they have?

So how did this all come up. . . well, I still had this flirty banter, but was in reality trying to get on with my life because I had realized awhile ago that it wouldn’t work, but I guess I just always had this hope.  Then this weekend and Monday- click.  off.  I am actually kind of sad.  I know it will never, ever be the same and I know he will never realize it. . . maybe someday he will and he will ask what happened and I will say that day I said I was done.  You thought it was a mood perhaps, but I really meant I was done.  It was and will never be the same.  And I am a little saddened by that thought and a little saddened that day may or may not ever come, but that realization is what made it go “click.”

A little sad in sin city. . .

Okay, so I had a date last night. Not even a really date. . . really. . . a guy came over, we had a glass of wine, we watched a movie, he left, I took a handful of allergy medicine and passed out. But here is my question. What is a good “age gap” when dating. I know its not suppose to matter anymore, but the guy was a little bit younger in age and just soooooo much younger in maturity. The movie he picked seemed young, the wine he picked seemed young, the conversation seemed young. I’ve hung out with him a few times before but hadn’t seen him in awhile. Maybe it was dating desperation that I accepted last night, who knows.

So this movie he picks is the dark college comedy and the whole time I can’t help thinking, wow- my 10 year college reunion is THIS YEAR. Then the movie starts with this horrible scene that he is kind of giggling about and all I can think of is, “wouldn’t she scream? wouldn’t she report this? I mean, the other guy is holding a freaking camera with all the evidence. . . ” And, I had to realize that I have apparently graduated from the dark, indie type movie about stoned college kids has gone over my head. Or beneath my feet- however you choose to look at it.

I just want to know- what happened to dinner! I mean, I blogged about this in the past – the whole, what happened to the date, but I mean really. I cannot remember the last time I went out on a date- got picked up, he held the door, we went to dinner, etc. Is it just the men I am meeting or has the date gone the way of the first motorola flip phone?

So, SingleInSinCity is now on twitter, and I am trying to be fairly good about it. I have a longtime friend flying in this weekend for some girl time so I get to play tourist for a weekend. So find me on twitter because the updates should be good! If I stay sober enough to remember to do it. If not, keep checking for the blogs- they should be good. I think the next one will be about my ex-boyfriend and his want of a nickname for his mentions here. Maybe we can take a poll!

Keep referring us! Our numbers are growing and we are very excited to keep bringing you are bad dates, girl talk, and adventures in sin city.

~SingleInSinCity~ tweet! tweet!

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Okay, so first off to admit I actually watched this stupid show says a lot about me.  Let me qualify by saying I am not a normal viewer and other than one other episode, have not even watched this season- any season for that matter, and last night, my roommate and I sat down to watch- literally the last 5 minutes to see who he picked.  I didn’t even know that whole “After the Final Rose” was playing after until it started and by then I was sucked in.

First off, my roommate thinks, and I tend to agree, that Melissa is the most annoying girl in the world.  Now, my limited viewing might make you think I am not qualified to judge, BUT- when anyone speaks of themselves in the third person over and over, I think that qualifies as annoying.  Hell, I think it qualifies for a punch in the face.  Now despite that, I did manage to hear what she said and I do think she had a few good points in there, but whatever, that is not where my fury for the show even begins.

My fury lies with this total ass punk of a guy who is playing the good guy, father, whatever, whatever, that changes his mind- doesn’t have the decency to not tell her on television in front of millions of viewers, then to pride himself on his honesty, and want a second shot at the first girl he dumped in front of millions of people.  THEN to top it off, this doe eyed, complete idiot of a woman actually gives him another chance!  I mean what an opportunity to stand up for all women and tell this guy, who is obviously not trustworthy, not kind and thinks only of himself, to stick it in his ear!  I wanted to punch her in the face!

I mean, where in “reality” tv is the actual woman I know- the kind that would say, wait, you chose her- you left me, and now that didn’t work out, so now you want to see where it is with me?  AND- how can I EVER trust you, what you say, what you feel and how you will feel tomorrow?  You know what asshole- you don’t want to live without regret?  Well, here is one for you!  I bet this classic man probably would probably be on the phone trying to find whatever girl came in third, using his now broken heart as his “in.”  Now I know why I never watched this crap to begin with- and seriously, I would not be heartbroken over a guy that cried that much anyway- and that was only watching the highlights.  What does that say about his character- after I dumped you I cried and cried then I proposed to Melissa and we were very happy and I jumped into the swimming pool with her and my kid.  Yeah, really torn there buddy- what was she bad in the sack or something?  I guarantee “the chemistry changed” probably means he couldn’t get it up and in his narcissistic mind he blamed her.  Freud was right, it’s all about the penis.

Speaking of break-ups, this isn’t technically a break up, but there is a nice guy I’ve seen a few times- sporadically, that its time to tell that I have no interest in dating any longer.  I know it should be like a band-aid- quick and fast, but I am very bad at the breaking it off point- I admit.  Maybe I will take him on a television show- that’ll make it better.  Maybe, I will tell him I am in love with someone else and I need to see where that goes.  Maybe, I will tell him it’s not him it’s me- except its not in this case- it really is him. . . Maybe I will tell him the truth- All my friends think you are in the closet. . . and you are very insecure and if you ask me one more time if something is okay, I am going to punch you in the face.  Hell, maybe I will just punch him in the face- that ought to do it.

Man, I know tonight’s girls night, but I think I have too much pent up anger- may need to go to the gym and hit the punching bag for awhile. . .

Or, just meet the girls for the usual and get their advice- now that should be pretty funny.

No more reality tv for me in sin city. . .