while having lunch today one of my gf’s asked me where i thought we will be in one year…another relationship?  well, i thought about it and said…probably.  that’s what life is about right?  you will just have to go through so many pairs of shoes before you pick up the right ones..(hopefully in a relationship it will just be the right “one”).  truthfully, i really don’t know.  it’s always nice and fresh to start a relationship but letting go or ending it is the hardest unless they are just poisonous and you have no option but to delete them from your life.  i had the opportunity to chat with one of my ex’s recently and it was just really nice.  being able to just talk about life, business and what’s going on with us…with nothing romantic or jealousy.  it was great!  but that took time as well. 

one of my gf’s is meeting her ex for dinner soon and she thought about “hooking” up with him afterwards but i told her that is very dangerous and you may have to start from 0 again…could it be we can keep them around when we are lonely?  i did keep some of mine around until they finally met the one and i had to slowly let go.  meaning less phone calls, absolutely NO visits to pretty much no calls and barely know what they are up to until you hear about them through mutual friends.  he was there for me a lot before, i even stayed at his house when i had another boyfriend and i was frustrated from my family so i left home…my bf at that time didn’t have his own place.  but i admit, it’s a very thin line when you go from a relationship to just plain friends.  it takes time…by the way, this is kinda strange…i just found out my first ex’s son’s name…when they had him, gave him the same name as the guy i was dating at that time…how weird is that?  i was weirded out for sure! 

you would like to think all the people you date in your life, made a difference and somehow molded you into who you are today.  i definitely have changed…my gf told me this weekend that i have become a better friend, girlfriend but it was just with the wrong person.  that’s why i still think it’s special when you find the “one” because it is so rare to be able to find the one so when you do, that amazing bond you will have with that person..sigh….i also find it very hard for me to accept people i know went from happily married to getting a divorce.  it’s sad but it is the real thing.  i wonder what went wrong in that relationship and how come they gave up?  when they said “I Do!” did they mean it?  or were they just into that moment?  I rarely hear stories about how someone proposes and the other person says no….that reminded me kinda like when i asked my ex some random nights…are you falling in love yet?  he said to me…No.  it was sad but it was the truth and i am thankful for the honesty even though it felt like someone poured lemon juice over my wound…ouch!  ok, maybe not that bad because i was expecting that answer.  it was something that no matter what i did, wouldn’t matter…so there is no point of trying to make it work or wishful thinking.  what’s the point being with someone who can’t fall in love with you or want to love you?  how weird is that, in my 31 years of experience, i never had that issue with anyone except my last ex.  i look at my past and i have been very lucky that usually the guy i am interested in, is interested in me so i never had to work hard for them to like me…i guess now i know certain signs that i should watch for from the beginning.  when someone is wishy washy about themselves, you….get rid of them QUICK!  run the other way…no matter what they say afterwards to convince you or change your mind.  well, actually hearing another story of how one couple got to be together at the end, the guy broke her heart twice and the third time, it worked!  they are now happily married!  who knows…there is really no rule of what works and what doesn’t…it’s just effort from both people.  i believe you can never find someone who is exactly the way you want them to be.  that’s the fun part, gelling together and learning how to make each other happy!  work through the tough times so you can see the rainbow at the end of it…i don’t believe relationships are easy.  sometimes people change through time and you can’t predict how they will be.  my parents divorced when i was 9 and even though it may be painful at that time…crying to myself under the blankets, i know now that they weren’t meant to be together.  they fell in love in college and had me…i think they just have different views in life and goals.  my mom is lucky enough to find someone else but my dad not so lucky.  he is still alone and i wonder what is going to happen when he gets older (he is almost 60).  since i am the only daughter then does that mean he will have to come live with me?  i sincerely hope he finds someone even though they may be as young as me…my dad lives in China and it’s very common to have a very young wife.  i don’t know if i would be able to call them my stepmom or anything but i do hope he finds someone to take care of him.  i am sure there are “stepmoms” out there where they are younger than the kids…ew..kinda of weird! 

anyway, things happen in life and i think you just have to learn how to roll with it.  things that you just don’t imagine that can happen to you or your loved ones…will happen! and learning to deal with it is so important.  i ran into some of my high school friends that were younger than me yesterday and it was really sad to hear that they were partying because one of the guys got a DUI a year ago and when he did, he accidentally killed someone.  he was getting locked up in a few days for 4 years….that one night, so many things happened.  the person that was killed, whoever they were, their parents had hopes and dreams for them or if they were a parent, their kids will never have them around while growing up….same with the high school friend…he will have that guilt with him for the rest of his life and have to spend 4 years of his life in a cell dealing with other issues….same with his parents, the disappointment of your own son being irresponsible and killing someone.  you wonder and cry to God sometimes why these things happen to you or people you love or care about….

life is too short…you love, you fall hard, you laugh, you cry, you learn…i definitely feel much better now about where i am at with life.  i am thankful everyday for all the people that are in my life who is always there to lend a helping hand, ear, a shoulder to cry on…i know that living in Vegas is tough because it’s hard to build friendships all over again.  it has been a challenge for me for these 2.5 years for business as well as relationships.  i am excited to head back after spending almost the entire November out of town!  i will officially change my car registration and license to the state of NV next week…

my roommate keeps telling me about yahoo personal and i am not sure if i am ready to try that yet (since i am supposed to not date/have a bf until after Valentine’s day)….haha

So it happened.  A hot guy finally e-mailed me on the online personals.  But, I never had the membership, just the free stuff, so I couldn’t e-mail him back.  Luckily my brilliant roommate told me to look for a free trial.  So I found a free 7 day trial online- google is the best.  So far its just been a few e-mails but he has asked me to meet him for a drink.  Which kind of weirds me out.  But, I guess that’s the point of online dating, right, eventually you have to get to the dating part.  And knowing what a mess my world tends to be, the crazy things that happen to me and my inability to filter anything between my brain and my mouth, we should have so good fodder for this blog soon.

Oh, and the title above you can thank my friends D and M for- they took me out Friday night to calm me down from my stress out.  It’s just so stressful being a grown up sometimes.  We got onto the conversation of what our girlfriends see in some of the guys they are with and it turns out they may have lust colored glasses but what they need are their girlfriends glasses.  At the end of the day though, we’ve all been there.  Completely mad about someone when no one else gets it. They had an example for me all ready and waiting. . .

so wish me luck with the internet hottie!

as i was playing my mom’s video game…i am now addicted to this computer game she installed a while back- Zuma…my mind starts to think about my last relationship and how letting go is so hard.  not just letting go of the relationship but letting go of the person that you spent most of your time with…completely.  after what happened, i couldn’t really see myself ever wanting to be his friend again and for that i am still in a bit of shock.  i ask myself was it really worth it for him to hurt me?  does he know how much it hurt and how much he meant to me as a friend or a person?  i mean i made those mistakes of hurting people when i was much younger…when i was in my early 20’s…but how can someone do this in their 30’s?  i was talking to one of my high school girlfriends about this and i was just saying i hope that this specific relationship and my pain…I hope he was able to gain something and learn from it…but i have a feeling that it was a waste.  even tho it cost me pain and hurt…i don’t think he really learned.  i guess maybe 10 years later, he may realize it. 

i ended up talking to this guy i hooked up with a long time ago.  he said i should just get back at my ex but visiting him….but truthfully i don’t need to do that to get back at anyone.  i have come a long way and to do that all over again and stoop to his level would just be immature.  i was happy to hear from my girlfriend that i have changed a lot about myself.  willing to listen more and did everything i could to make my relationship work…but it was just with the wrong guy.  simply bad luck?  gosh, i have had 2 bad lucks in Vegas already…

my mom asked me today if i had a lot of friends in Vegas.  i am a bit curious on why she asked me that…lately i did tell my friends that if she didn’t help me buy that home, i would probably go travel for 6 months or something.  i told her that tonight…she asked me if i wanted to move back to LA…I told her no, I have decided to stay in Vegas and I will be just fine. i am excited to move into the new house early next year.  having my own space and just taking some time to myself.  i know that i have more close friends in LA and NYC than Vegas but i don’t want to give up on Sin City just because I have had bad luck with my relationships and the tables (haha)…i do think i have made some great friends, i think i was so into my ex’s that i just wanted to spend all my time with them.  in my past relationships, i always spent a lot of time with my other friends but i guess i didn’t really get that chance my first year in Vegas.  i thought about my life after my break-up in Vegas…after spending a month overseas, i was totally fine.  busy with work, busy with my new life….i think that’s what my plans are for 2009.  i know i always write some new year resolutions but rarely stick to them so i think that’s one of my goals to actually write it out and have it on my fridge or something. 

starting a new life, just like starting a brand new job can be very refreshing.  it’s time to let go of the rotten fruits and vegetables sitting my fridge…even though it was good for me at one time, it’s not anymore and letting it go is the right thing to do.  (i am sorry if my recent blogs have been more sad or depressing than others…i hope i can pick myself up soon!)

so while I was taking a nice walk in the nearby trails with my aunt and my cousin today…my aunt suddenly asked me, can I ask you something…I said sure.  She said, how is XXXXX, is he married yet?  She was talking about my first boyfriend.  I responded, yes, he is married and recently just had a baby.  I remember when I heard he was getting married…it was really weird.  It was a bitter sweet moment but I knew that I was happy for him.  Sometimes you have all these “What if” thoughts in your head but then what’s the point of thinking about all these “what if’s”?  It’s all in the past and there is only now and future to look forward to.  I admit, he was a great guy.  He was probably one of the best boyfriends I have ever had but at age 17 I was totally not ready.  I remember him telling me after we broke up that it’s going to be all down hills from now…haha (not sure if it was a curse)  I actually remember when we finally broke up (when he told me he was dating someone), I was devastated.  I was in Taiwan, this was over the phone…at like 5am in the morning and then I left the house some time in the early morning after that for a walk and went to see my friend who was studying Chinese at some school…I felt soooooooooooooo low and thought about killing myself.  Now, that’s a totally stupid thought but honestly I felt so sad and I thought if I wanted the pain to end, that was the easy way out.  I remember wanting to jump infront of these busses but of course that would be totally selfish.  Selfish that I wanted my pain to end and forgetting about all the people that would totally be in pain if I were gone.  There is a Chinese saying that it is really sad when white haired people burries black haired people…meaning the old burries the young.  Especially their kids…I mean either way it’s both sad but knowing that you put all your hopes and dreams into your children and somehow something bad happened to them…gosh it’s sad…and I should get off this topic now! 

So I got another phone call this afternoon from an ex.  We still keep in touch and we are nice to each other.  He is 4 years younger than me and just told me today that he is looking for that ring and will have to come up with a creative way to propose.  How sweet!  I feel happy when people do find the one even though sometimes I wish that could hurry up and happen to me!  In a way, I am a little scared to fall for someone now…I think I have always put myself out there but after this last one, I am so tired and sad.  Falling for someone and then have to make yourself fall out of it when you are not ready is so difficult.  As I am writing this, I am listening to Daughtry’s Over You…that song makes me happy even though it’s a sad song but it’s so relaxing.   

I think about all the relationships I had…the long ones and short ones…they all shaped me in some way.  I have to say I used to be such a horrible person in a relationship.  I was selfish, inconsiderate, just a real bitch and to think about all those times that they put up with me…WOW!  Now, I am the nice one and then the guys are the old me.  Maybe I should be the old me then it would be easier…haha  Nah, I guess I feel good to be the giver in the relationship.  It’s kind of like being the early one and waiting for someone.  I used to be so late all the time, my bf used to lie to me about the movie start time and one time, we were still late! haha 

I am always positive and definitely am excited to have that warm fuzzy feeling once I meet “the one”…

so tonight after going to dinner at Soup Plantation with 2 of my childhood buddies (both i met when i couldn’t speak English in 4th grade) and my cousin who is only 19…we decided to hang out at my friends garage.  He has 2 sofas and one of them had more cat hair so he had to use the lint remover roller to clean it before allowing guests to sit down.  My other friend had to leave early so it was me, my childhood friend (actually i had a crush on him in 4th grade and it was funny because i don’t know how we communicated back then…), my cousin and then 2 more of the neighborhood kids joined us- they were both in their early 20’s.  So the conversation was dominated by the 3 guys talking about what guys want from a relationship and then making fun of me in between…they were pretty much saying why guys want to get to know you and talk to you is pretty easy, they have only one agenda.  But then that agenda doesn’t mean they don’t want to get to know you on a deeper level, it’s just that is on their mind.  I don’t disagree but then I think once they get into their 30’s and 40’s…it should be more than that.  I don’t know..maybe I am totally naive.  (did you know naive spelled backwards is EVIAN?  just a random thought)  I remembered when I was helping my father run his night club in Taiwan…I was 21 I think and I truly believed people went clubbing to hang out with friends and drink and just dance.  When I used to go clubbing, that’s all I cared about, just dancing…I didn’t even care for the alcohol.   Awwwww…I was so innocent!  haha   Anyway, now 10 years later, I realize that there is much more than just drinking and dancing..it’s all about what you do AFTERWARDS…haha people just want to use alcohol as an excuse sometimes to do more than what they usually would…they are more brave, buzzed or whatever…

We have decided to continue this talk tomorrow night at Yardhouse…yay!  The Brea one has this yummy blueberry beer and also this other one that taste like fruity pebbles…at least I can look forward to that.

So once again, I got lectured last night from my friends about my expectations and standards.  Basically there are a lot of really nice guys out there that I am not giving the time of day.  I just don’t see it that way because I feel like I work very hard.  I have worked very hard to get where I am.  I made lots of sacrifices for school and education.   I’m not saying I need a college graduate, but I do expect them to have motivation and some sort of ambition.  I enjoy people who work hard, play hard, care about their appearance, can pay their own bills, and understands why I work hard to have nicer things rather than settling.  I want football and beer, take out and movies in the pajamas, but I also want nice evenings out, traveling together, shows and culture, and someone that likes to entertain in the home.  Yes I want it all and yes it is a tall order.  Which reminds me of my height requirement.  Oh, and they should be good in bed.  LOL!  Maybe I am expecting too much.  I also know myself though and if I settle for nice I will become that crazy bitch that makes their life miserable and then I get unhappy knowing that and then its this vicious cycle.  I don’t want perfection- trust me, I am so far from perfect it’s not even funny.  I want someone that loves me for my faults and I love them for their faults.  Unless their faults are that they are unintelligent, unmotivated, non-working, short, or unkempt.

High expectations?  Well, they gotta be able to reach my pedestal. 

Not going to settle in sin city. . .

so i had a chance to visit my friends in nyc.  3 of the girls i visited are very independent and definitely do a lot of things on their own…meaning going home and not talking on the phone and just relax and be alone.  for some reason i have a problem of doing that.  i seem to always need to be chatting with someone but i will try to spend more time alone.  i guess while i was in nyc and they all had to work, i was able to walk around by myself and just think…it was actually quite nice.  except it was really cold and a bit rainy so i wasn’t able to spend more time outdoors.  so my friend told me while we were at a Whole Foods buying some stuff that i needed to just not have a boyfriend or maybe even date for a while.  she said i should take some time just be on my own…then we ran into a guy friend of hers from college and she says we are so similar in the way that we are very needy and always have someone.  i don’t think i am scared to be alone or single but i think i am definitely a people person and i do like people more easily than some of my friends.  i don’t know…we’ll see…supposedly when you are not looking for love, that’s when it happens.  it happened last time for me.  i was definitely not expecting it.  but then again, it wasn’t love. 

i was chatting with a friend of mine earlier on msn.  just catching up on life and relationships.  he works odd hours so he hasn’t really had a chance to date for a while and when i was sharing with him about how i am going to just be single for a while, he said to me, maybe i am just looking in the wrong places.  also i may have the wrong strategy! haha he used this as an example…rather than wanting usc to beat ucla in basketball, i should just change to football.  hmmm…i am not sure how that applies to my dating life.  he told me i should have fun with someon who doesn’t stress me out but it always starts out like that…i think i am going to hold off on the online dating for a while since my experience with that obviously hasn’t really done anything for me.  but it is a fun way to meet people in town.  i guess if i just want to meet random people then that would be the way to go and not take it serious.  from my past experiences, the best places to meet someone is school (by that i mean high school…haha, my bf from high school and i dated for 5 years!  that was the longest relationship i had with someone and it lasted through out my college years so i really didn’t get a chance to meet more people in school).  people joke around about going to grad school, not for your MBA but for your MRS!

i honestly can’t remember how long i went without “dating”.  usually after a relationship ends, i just start dating…but most of the time, they were meaningless dates.  you go out with them once and you just know that they are not really your type.  alright, i am going to see how long i can go without “dating”.  i guess it’s easier too because i am planning on to travel more…i joked around about going to new york to fall in love and find my mr. big (sex and the city) but that didn’t happen…so after 2 weeks in LA, i will be going back to Vegas then head to Taiwan for 2-3 weeks towards the end of december.  maybe my mr. big is in asia…haha   anyway, i still think going on harmless dates don’t count…what’s wrong with going to nice dinners with ”nice” guys?

usually after something happens…it’s hard to walk away unless you have closure.  some type of explanation, some type of result, whether it’s good or bad.  we all need it.  this brings me back to the summer of i think 2006..i got back from Asia and started working for my uncle in Cerritos.  i actually used my 24 hr gym membership quite a lot back then because it was on my way home.  so one day i went afterwork i think or i think it may have been a weekend…i would be more proud of myself if i went over the weekend.  anyway, what happened was it was one of the girls birthday and my other friend said let’s go get korean bbq…hmmm…after a good work out, go eat korean bbq?  sure why not! if you haven’t had korean bbq you are missing out because it’s really delicious.  the side dishes are awesome!  ok, back to my story, i got carried away a bit because lately that’s all i can think about…is eating yummy food!  i finally got a chance to weigh myself today and OMG….after eating a lot in NYC for the past 10 days…i lost weight!!!!  how can that happen?  i am now 97.5 pounds! sick…ok…really back to my story.  so i went to grab my purse out of the car and then we left.  after eating and going home i couldn’t find my watch.  if you haven’t seen my watch, it’s my favorite watch in the whole world!  it’s unique because the band doesn’t go all the way around and people always thinking it’s missing or something (Georg Jensen is the brand).  my dad got that watch for me when i was in the 7th grade so i was proud that i didn’t lose it after all those years….and now totally depressed and i called the gym, looked everywhere in my car…still no where to be found.  i needed closure….so the next day, i decided to go back to the gym and look around the parking space where i have parked my car the day prior….and there it was….sparkly (it’s silver) but completely crushed!  i decided to take it home and frame it (it’s in my mom’s garage somewhere) but at least i got my closure.  it’s like finding a dead pet or something. 

well, this weekend i finally got to have closure with my last relationship.  for some reason, it was very hard to let go and i am not sure why i held on for so long because i knew he was wrong for me.  i really enjoyed my time with him and i think i just got used to being with him all the time.  anyway, it ended on a horrible note.  i am not sure how someone can do such horrible thing to another person but it happens (must be karma cuz i used to be the horrible one).  but i guess i see it as a blessing in disguise of finally being able to let go after so long.  although i should probably hate him, i decided to put it behind and move on.  i wish that he would one day grow up and learn to be more considerate.  i am usually friends with my ex’s but i think this may be the only exception.  it was really sad for me to believe he would do such a thing but he surprised me.  i always thought he was a good person somewhere deep down inside but after this weekend, i lost faith…but again, this was the closure i was looking for and i still do believe everything happens for a reason. 

i guess sometimes with time you can have closure too…people let go, forget, forgive…etc.

okay, so I just have to write after my weekend and fresh experience with online dating. . .

So I went out last Friday.  I shouldn’t have because truthfully I needed to be in bed because I got rear ended a couple of weeks ago and my neck and shoulders are still bothering, but I guess alcohol works as well as pain pills- at least until the next morning, when I was dying- but I digress. . .

So we went to the local dive – me and a bunch of girlfriends.  Normally I like this dive because we don’t get hit on, but I guess we were all wearing some sort of sign that said, “please talk to us, we are the type of girls you pick up at a dirty dive bar” or it may have been the flirtatiousness of a newly single acquaintance.  But we ended up being approached- a lot.  Which would have been cool, except, well one guy kept hitting on the only married at the bar and the other guy was really just creepy.  And he had that haircut from the early 90’s where they stick a bowl on top of your head and shave around it leaving the long part on top.  I mean really.

So after that we headed to center bar for a bit.  That was interesting.  Lots of pretty stuff to look at but not anything you could hold a conversation with- must be like when the really smart guy is dating a model.  And one guy was so drunk that when I told him to buzz off, he actually called me a dick.  While I admit I was probably a bitch in tonality, verbally I was telling him he was really drunk, we weren’t interested and he should go enjoy Vegas.  Isn’t that really a favor?  Why waste your time, my time, your buzz, my buzz and ruin both of our nights?  Efficiency, people!  I mean, I wasted my early 20’s on losers,  now that I am over 30 bet your ass I am not even going to waste 20 minutes.

So after all that excitement I gave up and set up a couple of the free profiles.  You know, where they send you your matches but you can’t communicate unless you pay.  What I don’t understand is why they send you people that don’t match anything you’ve requested.  Sorry guys- I have a minimum height requirement to ride.  Might as well know that up front.  So why am I getting messaged by members of the lollipop guild that fell off the back of an ugly truck?  Then there is the age requirement- I know I should try older, but since my brother is 11 years older than me, I just feel weird about dating anyone that would be older than he is. . . so thanks for the compliment on the profile, but while you are still younger than my dad, you are older than the bro- so step.  My preference is right there on the page!  So regardless to say, I haven’t signed up for the pay membership where I can respond to anyone. . .

Still single even in cyber sin city. . .

This is from an older blog I wrote prior to SingleInSinCity, but thought it would be good to re-visit. . .

 

Alright, I’m more expanding off of a friend’s blog and there’s probably nothing new here, but it is an interesting topic. As an almost 30, divorced something or other, with tons of friends either in the same boat or same boat except the divorced part, I think we should review. What happened to dating? Let’s face it, our generation tends to start with the sex first and then get to the dating and by then we’re passed the sex part so it’s straight to the couple just hanging out part or hanging out in groups. . . when did the date become an anomaly?

And the weird thing is most of the women I speak to miss it. We miss the chivalry, we miss the first date jitters and we miss- well, the date- getting dressed, discussing with girlfriends, going out with someone we think there may be a connection with, and then the all important rehashing every detail with our girlfriends. Now, even typing it, this seems junior high, but its really not. . . is it?

When did the “hanging out” start? Hey, I’ll be here Friday- you should come. Hey a bunch of us will be here Saturday, you should swing by. . .

And a lot of it is us women. . . we are so picky and careful and a bit crazy these days. “No, no- I’ll meet you there.” Or this feeling like if we sacrifice something like our weekly girl’s night out for a date we are selling out- giving ourselves up, losing ourselves, making men more important. . .

What would happen if we actually met an attractive single man who said, “hey. I’ll be at such and such tomorrow, hope to see you.” And we actually replied- “here’s the thing, you want to hang out, you can ask for my number, you can call me, you can ask me out and I will say yes, and we will go somewhere where we can talk and get to know each other a little better- not a club, not a group, a date. A real date. And I expect to be courted in such a fashion. If we have a good time, you call me and ask me out again.” Would the guy turn tail and run? Would he think “way too much work for the booty?” Or would he take your number and call you and ask you out on a date?

Let’s face it – the women I know- they are all professional, successful, attractive and yes, PICKY. So do we lower our standards or just make them clear from the beginning?