Okay, so my friend and I keep talking about this blog we are going to do about all of our experiences here in Las Vegas.  Being single in this city is not the easiest.  I should know.  This will be the third city I find myself single in, although moving from my twenties to my thirties changes things just as much as moving across the country.  Eventually, we will get this into a video format hopefully to catch some of the funny, bitter, sarcastic, humorous and hopeful banter 2 single 30 somethings have in a city full of twenty somethings, drunk tourists and silicone.  ‘Till then, let’s keep this as anonymous as possible so that we can be as honest as possible and you can have a good laugh.

So a friend of mine came to town this past weekend..him and his fellas….he asked if I would hang out with him on Saturday…I said sure. Last time I saw him was like 4 yrs ago..we have been “FRIENDS” for over 10 yrs use to work together in my past life when I was married. We never dated just were friends never “hooked up” just friends..but not with his lack of trying…is it possible for men and woman to be just friends? I really don’t know anymore, I have some male friends that are just that friends…not saying we don’t have a past some we may have a past but realized we were not a match or our soul mates and decided we were better off friends..no back pockets or any thing like that, just better off as friends and only want the best for eachother…and then there are some male friends I am just that with friends…never dated or slept with….well one I have slept in the same bed with but that was it lol..seriously nothing happen…

But anyway back to my story…so my friend comes into town but before he arrives, he informs me that a girl is also coming into town and wanted to make sure I was ok with that, now I said why wouldn’t I be? You and I are just friends! Then after I tell him I was..he proceeds to tell me that his friends are off limits to me and they better not try hitting on me…..I was like why? He had no real answer for that one.  Geesh why do men always hope that friends will lead to more? Its been over 10 yrs and you haven’t gotten me in bed yet…I would think you would get a glue and realizse that ship has sailed a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGG time ago. Then he proceeds to tell me that this chick is not his girl and he informed her, that he will be talking to other girls and she kinda invited herself. So basically told her not to get her feelings hurt when he blows her off right? Well my fear was she was going to assume something was going on with us…when there wasn’t, so I tried to get one of my GF to go too for back up but she bailed on me…thanks a lot R….anyway..so Saturday comes I pick him up from the airport, drop him off at the hotel, meet his other male friends and leave and tell them I will meet up with later that night for the night out.

Saturday night comes along..and I meet them at the designated spot..which turns out to be where we have dinner and go dancing. His “friend” is there..she seemed cool…when I first met her…the guys were cool so pretty chill night so far…dinner goes by, I pay for my dinner and drinks…wanted to make it clear I was not there with my friend or anyone else. Then we go upstairs to go to the “CLUB”! Well thats when the drama starts…..the guys are all getting geared up and in their groove to chase after the women..and boy could you see it their faces….so they tell us, me the “GIRLFRIEND” of my friend who was just a friend…supposedly….that they were going to walk around….so the boys leave and we are left at the bar…so we start talking….and I wanted to make sure she was not assuming anything so I told her me and my friends history and then she tells me theirs..turns out they met online and had been chit chatting for over 7 yrs online!!!! She thought she knew him pretty well and this was the first time they had actually met face to face…and here she was basically being blown off with me…so they could chase girls….so…I looked at her…realizing just how many times I have done the internet dating thing and how many times I have been disappointed in the date and I knew just how hurt and disappointed she must have been and how much of a wasted trip it must have felt for her after all these years of a build up….and I was disappointed in my friend…don’t get me wrong he was not mean and in all fairness he really did warn her and tell her this was more of a guys weekend….but she thought at least that Saturday night she would get a little more of his attention that night!

So I looked at her and said come on lets go find our own Game to chase….so we went back downstairs, walked around and a few mins later..two TALL goodlooking brothers walked in….I looked at her and said now thats what I am talking about…grabbed her hand and we went on by them and did our little back and forth looks and then we went back up stairs, few mins later they were up there dancing around us and laughing and hanging out with us….one turned out to be a cop from here and the other was in town and was the cops brother and was here for his birthday…so he was talking to my friend, and I was talking to the cop…who was 6′4″ and mmmmm just yummy….BUT and yes there is a but….though the chemistry was off the chain..and Iwas feeling him and was hoping we would talk and get to know eachother, he soon started to act like the guys we came with….talking to every female around and then when he got bored would come and try grabbing on me…so when his hands tried to go up my dress, as typsy as I was…well that was it for me…I pushed him away the best I could….which was not easy, he whispered something in my ear about going home with him but I was turned off and over it by then….and had my back to him and let him walk away….my new girlfriend was still enjoying his brothers company…and I saw our original friends still around but so I knew she was ok..but I knew my night on the town was over…I had seen enough for one night….told her good bye text my other friend he was barried on amongst the dancers on the dance floor and said good bye and called it night.  I was happy I met her and was there for her…and she ended up having a good time but disappointed again in Vegas MEN….and heck even my friend from back home and reminded me why we never dated…I must have picked up on that a long time ago to stay away….

Now what sucks is I really was feeling the vibe of this cop..but he had to get so disrepectful and to grabby feely…whats bad is I might have hung out with them all and dated this guy if he would have had patience but I guess he was just in the moment and wanted a piece of ass and frankly I am over the piece of ass thing…or one night stand kind of men..not that I ever go home with the one nighters but hey lets be real I have had a moment or two…in my younger days….but not for me anymore..and to see men my age act like..I was like wow..there is no hope for a woman who really wants to find REAL LOVE out there…all men want is sex….so may be I just feel defeated right now in the love department but it was really disappointed, to see what my new friend went through with my male friend and see a NICE looking well groomed probably has his shyt together for the most part to be a cop but to act like some sex crazed teenager and practilly molest me right there it was just wow disappointing to say the least…

 

But hey the good thing out this weekend..is I now have a new friend and she turned out to be pretty cool….and we exchanged numbers and facebook info…and now she really has someone she can come party with in Vegas or just get out of town with when she needs to..she lives only a few states over..something tells me I will see more of her than my friend from back home…which reminds me..I gotta tell him about himself when he gets back home…what an ass…..

 

Another Vegas dating nightmare….one luv…still dazed and confused in vegas.

it’s been a while since i last blogged and since then life has been the same (ups and downs) and of course drama with everything in my life.  i think i am just a walking drama magnet because something always has to happen to me…but maybe if i don’t share  anyof these drama with anyone then it wouldn’t be drama….hmmmm this is a bit too much thinking at 11pm on a Sunday night!  especially after working out for the 4th time this year…wow, what’ up with that 4th theme today?  anyway, back to my story.

so i decided to give it one more shot…the 4th time with someone that i shed many tears for.  is it worth it?  is it the right decision?  afterall then i wouldn’t be single in sin city anymore…i guess “single” has a lot of meanings.  it can mean that you have a boyfriend but you are not married yet or single as in all by yourself.  sometimes it’s nice to be on your own because you can play as much as you want and date whomever you want.  but these are mostly temporary happiness…to me i think there is some type of void or emptiness when you don’t have someone at the end of the night to hug or snuggle with and just chat about your amazing day at work, what upsets you…etc.  just sharing with another person…of course girlfriends are there to listen, lend a shoulder but it’s just different.

i am still the person i am when we broke up for the 3rd time…i definitely have changed throughout my relationships but i think ever since i moved to Vegas 3 years ago, i have been on my best behavior playing my gf role but i just have been meeting the wrong guys…well, i hope that this time he really changed or is willing to try to change.  you never want to change someone but if it’s maturing from still wanting to play the field, i think it’s a bit different.  rather than forcing the person to be ready, they have to do it on their own terms.  i know i wanted it to work or try again because i do still get the warm fuzzy feelings inside me when i see him.  also just little things he says that makes me feel like he is looking forward to having a more meaningful relationship…

sometimes you meet someone that you think may be right for you at another time in your life, maybe at the time you were too immature to realize that they were so good…sometimes it’s too late when you finally realize that but sometimes you still get that 2nd, 3rd or 4th chance…i am not sure if things would work out this time but at least i have his commitment of giving his 100% and with that i know it’s worth it to try one more time.    las vegas is such a difficult place to meet someone, i say it all the time to my girls in LA and NYC…they think it’s difficult everywhere!  finding someone you absolutely adore and to have them feel the same way about you is so much more difficult now than when you were in school.  is it because when we were younger, we didn’t think as much about the future?  so we just enjoyed the moment? 

that’s all for me for now…

no I am not talking about my social life- although I could be, LOL!  My laptop was out of commission for awhile, but my girls picked up the slack.  Actually my love life was out of commission there for awhile, but my girls had some drama, so everyone still got some blogs.  But, the laptop is running and I have a new commitment to the good the bad and the ugly and I am determined to get it all written down purely for entertainemnt value!

So the blog is working the way it should, because several of my friends have been calling and e-mailing freaking out asking me about some of the blogs and taking much reassurance they weren’t me so the anonymous thing is starting to work, which is cool, I just didn’t realize it would backfire that way as well- haha.  So I encourage everyone to keep writing, keep submitting and I am committing to at least one blog a week.  I have to warn you, some of it just may be plain ranting, but I tend to get the most laughs out of that one.  Which reminds me- my original funny for the day- the perfect voice mail:

“If this is a medical crisis, please hang up and dial 911.

If this is an emotional crisis, please text back the number you just dialed with the worb ‘bar’ and code 1,2 or3.  If you don’t know what that means, I am not close enough to listen to your crap anyway.  Thank you and have a great day.

Nite!  Hopefully seomthing juicy after the weekend.  Not that I have a date or anything, but, you know.  I am single in sin city!

Being single isn’t easy- we all know that.  And the dating advice plastered all over your homepage doesn’t help. It always seems to scream, to me at least, “You’re still single!”  However, I recently came across an article that really helped me.  Quite possibly the best dating advice that I’d ever gotten!  In a nutshell, the author said, to rid yourself of all the bad dates and Karma that follow you around and allow yourself to be found.  Cleanse yourself of the I-date-online-because-I’m-just-looking-for-something-to-do-odor and discover a new fragrance! 

So that’s what I did.  Wednesday morning I deleted all my online dating profiles.  I had been thinking about doing it for a while, but didn’t want to let them go.  What would I do with the free hours in my day without the ability to click on the “Who’s Viewed Me” tab? I’d be forced to find something else to do. 

Then it came to me.  Yes, find something else to do!  Do what you love and love will find you, because after all, as women- we are most attractive when we’re comfortable and confident.  Why couldn’t I be found at the book store, in a cooking class, my local volunteer opportunity, at the gym or on a run meet-up?  What was stopping me from being successful meeting people the “Normal” way?  Could it be the odor I was carrying around from before?

 It’s only been a couple days, but I feel better.  No more obsessing over why he viewed me but didn’t write. Not only have I taken up cooking again, but I’m spending more time doing the things that make me happy.  My mind and heart are free to do everything I loved before I became so pre-occupied with the dot come dating world.

So you are dating someone from MYSPACE, and they have friends on there, that they stay in touch with….some are real friends some are friends that they have met through myspace…the same way they met you..so now you two are dating..and they even changed their profile to say “In a Relationship” so you change yours…you leave each other little comments, its all little love and kisses and miss you etc.  Then  you see his  friends still leave their comments too. So when do you worry about the friends comments? We all know some ppl do crap just do crap on there to try to claim someone and they never met them. So do you take it for what it is…just comments..some he may have never met…some he may have dated at one time. But it was before you, so do you let it get  or do you freak out over it? If you are dating someone who obviously has been on these sites a time or two and has a lot of friends, or may be re-created their page…just in time for you two to meet and doesn’t have a lot of friends yet but the comments are loading up, should you worry?

Do you start sending out messages to these so called friends and see what the deal is, or not worry about it, because he comes home to you every night? MMMM I wonder…you see I have been on both sides of this, and I have been guilty of wondering the same thing…and sending that NOTE…..what’s the deal with you and MY MAN..well mine wasn’t exactly like that, my boyfriend and I had actually broke up. Then a  few months go by and he  even moved in with another woman, then the text messages and emails started to me, saying he messed up and wanted me back. So I sent a message to her, to warn her…because he had met her at his job and was starting this same crap with her when he lived with me. So I thought I should warn her because she knew he lived w/ me and felt it was ok to open doors, so I thought  Karma’s a bitch and ya man is trying to move back in….so call it vindictive but it sure wasn’t about insecurities!

So back to today I logged in to myspace and there was that MESSAGE from my male friends girlfriend! Oh lord I thought here we go…this guy was mentioned in my previous blog..the one who doesn’t have it all together, he is actually in the process of rebuilding his life after a  few  rough years. But women are crazy about him with that smile. He just gets these women who are just obsessed with him. We have been friends for years, he knows my deepest secrets and I know his! Did we date at one time, well lets just say we have been through ALOT together and are very close..but I respect any decision he makes and want him happy. I know this man like no other…I know the kind of woman that he needs and I am not saying its me, I have even told him that, there is a point when you pass relationship potential to just friends I think, and  you two are just friends even if you were involved at one time or not. 

He needs a woman who can handle all of his female friends and accept his ways, and when he needs his space he needs his space. The man is in his 30’s and he is who he is and probably will not change. However, he is trying a lot with this woman, he has done things for this woman that I have not seen him do before, with anyone he has dated,  so she needs to get it together or he is going to run as fast as he can if she keeps pushing. Problem is they have been dating only a few months and I think he has convinced himself way before he met her, its time to settle down. He has been through a lot  as I mentioned these past few years and feels the clock is ticking for whatever reason. Now he is ready to be married, or at least settled down. Now in the all of sudden change from Player to wanting to be married, he has jumped head first into this relationship, not really knowing this woman and telling everyone how perfect she was for him and I think a little embarrassed he made her out to be something she never was…why do we do that put each other on pedestals, or make us into something that we never were or never could live up to?  Now he feels smothered and is freak-in out not knowing what to do, because he can not change his personality nor change over night.

 Not that he was ever a cheater, he was one of those guys that would tell you I am not ready for a relationship, so basically we are friends with benefits type of dudes and lets just say over the years he had A LOT OF  “FRIENDS” w/ beny’s kinda thing….and that is a hard habit to break..heck even for a woman its a hard habit to break.  When he is out he flirts naturally without knowing it…and any woman who is with him needs to know this about him. He doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings, thats just who he is…and will always be. He will always have women around him but he has learned to finally put boundaries out there…so good for him.  He is trying…he really is with her..but I still can’t help but think,  does he really love her, or is he settling and trying to convince himself because he made her out to be this perfect match in less than 2 months. Now she is clingy, asking where he is all the time, every five mins. If he gets a call , she is all in his business and jealous, demanding of his attention saying he is on her time. I feel a little to blame, because  I told him a few months ago  before he met her when he decides to settle down, he has to cut off all his “friends” w/ beny’s thing and show whoever he decided to be with that she is the “ONE” and he will do what ever it takes to make her feel secure….well now I still feel like , yes you should do this, but that is  IF they are the “ONE”  but ya know when they are THAT ONE,  its a feeling that is there always.. and you are not second guessing it two months down the road (may be 5 yrs down the road ya will LOL j/k)  when they are freaking out on you when you don’t answer the phone. Or if there are a few times where you didn’t answe the phone and then had to explain why you may not have been available, and it was explained in a reasonable matter, then  its dropped and done with and not brought up again. Ladies I am not saying don’t ask the question but its all about approach and how ya handle it…ya feel me? This chic freaks out…this will send any man running like a thief in the night…baby girl needs to slow her roll and should have saved this side of her to at least till she got his ass living with her LMAO…just joking!!! Now my poor boy doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to be the bad guy because she has told him her sob story,  how everyone has always bailed on her..and abandoned her SNIFF SNIFF…WTF EVER..well yeah know baby girl,  my daddy and every man I  have ever known, has done the same  damn thing to me too, but hey no use to cry over spilled milk get the F over it….don’t take your past crap into the new relationship…if he is really trying and I believe he is for him…then she better count her blessings and realize she is the closest to any woman has EVER Gotten his ass to EVER think about settling down…(most women just try to get prego by him to hold on to him) but I don’t think she is the right one for him, her insecurities are going to destroy it plus she seems a little high maintenance but hey I don’t know the chic and there are two sides to every story right, but she sent me the note, so now I am entitled to some kind of opinion! The bytch is crazy…LMAO just joking…if he loves her then hey its all good in the hood its his nightmare…I mean funeral I mean life…yeah thats it…. JOKES MAN lighten up!!! I think he has just convinced himself he needs to save her or not be the bad guy and abandon her too.

So now she is all threaten about our friendship and I live over 1800 miles away!!! We leave comments on each others pages now and then, text each other from time to time…call each other when something major happens  in our live but thats about it! So she sends me this message asking me,  what we are, if we are just OLD FRIENDS etc…the comments make her think more, now we have always left comments miss ya, love ya those kinds of things forever..way before her, so now she is trying to chase his FEMALE friends away, now I know some of the women  and men can befriend someone just in hopes you may fall in love with them, so I understand sista but there are also complete strangers out there waiting to snatch his ass up too, if ya turn your back for any length of time. So anyway I hope he doesn’t allow it to happen with his true friends, but as long as he is happy I guess that is what matters RIGHT? So her message continues saying we even have tats of each others names on their backs and she can prove it! Get a grip lady…I am thinking….and she says,  they are moving in together and he picks up her son blah blah blah and I am like chic this is SOOO  left field, I do not care….get over yourself….but as much as I wanted to be evil about it and be woman and really say something bad and really just F w/ her….I sent him a message and asked him what it was all about. Now I was at work all day and was busy , so I didn’t see this until I got home from work, she sent this to me in the am, so we are talking like 6ish West Coast time and they are central. So he said well, she told me she sent you a message and I was wondering why you hadn’t said anything, she said you replied to her? I said no I didn’t, I contacted you first…so what does that tell ya?? The chic is a manipulator….complusive liar…I don’t know take your pick. The things he has told me even before all this she sounds like a loose cannon! But I was the good friend..and  did what HE told me to tell her…added a few words of my own…but I told her she needs to stop being so insecure and start trusting him before she loses a good man and that I didn’t really want to be involved. Then I forwarded the message to him and told him, this is what I said, and out of respect for whatever this is and our friendship, I will not leave you anymore message on your little myspace page…and I hope you figure it out and this is what you want and all that good stuff….he said thanks love ya always babe. Hey I feel like April in that movie….OMG!!! I am APRIL…in Definitely MAYBE!!!!  My GF keeps telling me we are in love and always have been and we need to throw in the towel and stop it with these random ppl…I say if we were, we would have figured that out a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time ago and made it work. Am I APRIL??? OMG I need a drink…

Another Internet Nightmare..I am April……………….Lord I hope NOT……I need to find love and QUICK!!!!

So you start dating someone new….things are great in the beginning. You two seem to have a lot in common and then 2 months down the road…for some may be a little sooner or later…but for the never been married or been single pretty much 5 yrs or more…you develop a routine. Average relationships lasting less than 6 months. In my case and most mens case less than 3 months. So why even try? A male friend of mine recently asked me, what is it that you think makes me not able to commit? Well its funny a few days later another male friend of mine asked me the same question. And they are similar in their personality. Both  are very handsome men…well built, sexy strong tall dark and handsome, every womans dream….smiles that knock you off your feet. Too perfect I guess in their looks…one has it more together than the other….he is in his early 30’s no kids (rare ladies I know this day and age) very career driven….and very intense on all that he does.  But he is also a perfectionist, which in turn I think is his problem with women….he of course attracts the most beautiful women…but something is never 100 % …now I don’t know him as well now but from what I remember and know of him. But I think he is unattainable, now should he compromise his standards? No I am not saying that but may be he wants the perfect for the outside world and attracts the woman who ends up being more high maintenance and wants to be center of attention more than he does…..he is a fun person and has a great personality..but is competitive, so if he tries to find someone with the same qualities as he has…it may turn competitive and they just ware each other out. Then the fire is gone..what attracted him to her was the fact she was a lot like him. Then the competitive side just got to be too much. So do we want someone who is like us or opposite attracts? I think we set ourselves up and sabotage our relationships a lot of the times…he wants the perfect woman who he thinks is what is the right one but is it what everyone thinks he should be with the perfect woman, does she exist? My other friend is dating this girl that he said was at last the perfect one, but 2 months down the road he doesn’t know. She is smothering him now and he is like she is always blowing up his phone..all worried about what he is doing who he is with etc…well he has a very friendly personality and a lot of female friends…so any woman who is with him has to know this about him and undestand this and have be secure, but at the same time knowning this about himself he needs to be able to make her not have any doubts of who he loves and wants to be with…so where’s the compromise here? He says I always do this..here it is so perfect and now I see this jealous side or am I making it all up in my head? Now he is not one to date someone for too long nor usually just date one person…so did he really love her or is he trying to convince himself he does and now he is looking for his out? Did he give her a fair shot or was she never the one? I think we should just find someone we can accept their differences and their faults “the compromise”…I think if you really love someone their faults and bad habits you will love and not even know why….the things that normally drive you crazy with someone that you would never accept, then all of sudden they don’t matter. If you are a perfectionist and they fly by the seat of their pants, and you never would ever go out with someone like that…you may be surprised and see they are perfect for you..they make you not be so serious all the time. Find someone who can laugh at your ways and you can laugh at theirs. Balance each other out…don’t go in looking for the faults to get out…I think men start that early on in relationships. Looking for their way out pretty much from day one…fear of commitment I suspect….why are we so afraid of love? Why are we so guarded and afraid to look for someone who we can just love…if you have to have everything so perfect like your house or whatever and the person you are with doesn’t really care if the house is not perfect or can walk by the sink and leave a glass in the sink….and this drives you crazy but you love them..then compromise and hire a maid if need be..find that middle ground…..what makes you both happy…..be a team..what he lacks I have…and vice versa….pick me up when I am down and I will do the same for you. How do we get past ourselves and stop standing in our own way to love???  Open your minds up and may be look at someone who you may have never consider to date and take a chance..you may be surprised..everything you thought you wanted in someone may be your total opposite…let your guard down and just love….

So I think I have come to the conclusion I am incapable of falling in love again. Being in my late 30’s and pretty much single now for almost 9 years….dating randomly here and there after my marriage of 12 + yrs…I just don’t think it can happen. My girlfriends tell me I think like man!

I use to be so sweet and so giving when I was married, very caring and very loyal but after my ex-husband and I split 5 days after my 30th birthday in 2000 after I busted him on an affair, something changed in me. I can remember thinking before this happen, if I became single again, I would do one of two things either be so scared to go out and meet someone new so become a hermit and stay in all the time….or become a FREAK…or shall we say go on a SELF discovery a journey of learning who I am.

So I have been dating ever since, average relationship if you want to call it that lasting no more than 4 months…a few 6 or 7 months in there. I would meet someone really like them, felt like I was starting to fall in love with them, might have even said it a time or two. I can remember this one guy I totally adored and if would have felt the same back then I would have loved being with him, but now we are just really good friends. Then they would do something to tick me off and I would say, “You know what, you are just a boyfriend…if there is something you do not like here, there is the door you can hit it!” Then the pushing away would start…some stuck around off and on if the sex was good. I would just turn them into just that, SEX and I would tell them that, just be honest. I would say “I am done trying to fall in love with you or have a relationship with you, now its just about SEX because the sex it good. So until something better comes along you can be my pet and I will bring you out and play with you every once in awhile” This drove some of them crazy and turned a few in to stalkers! Once you start pushing people away like that or turn it into just sex, funny thing happens, they turn around and want a relationship or start to act right! But by then I was over it, then it just became entertaining to me…I was bored nothing interesting was going on so some I kept around just for ENTERTAINMENT purposes only…wow what a different person I turned into after my marriage. I will say this though, I have always been a very sexual person and never shy about what I wanted, but it was SO true about a woman in her 30’s and her sex drive turning on FULL BLAST…and it has not really turned off since…may be I am looking for my EQUAL in the SEX department may be that will be what will tame me again!!!

But then in 2005 it changed, I met someone I finally just clicked with him. He was a simple person easy going and just not difficult…very sweet and caring at first…there were some things of course that were not perfect even in the beginning. He was not career oriented, no real goals in life and had a 3 ½ yr old daughter but loved her to death and protected her with all that he had, he wasn’t a perfect dad but the better parent of the two. Totally opposite of my norm…but I adored him and finally was the old me again, I settled down, I acted like the old me when I was married, I only dated him, there was no one else…I was in love again it felt great! Then 1 ½ almost 2 years things changed and 6 months later we broke up, still trying to figure it all out…well I guess I know some young 22 yr old chic started working with him and he lost his mind!! Then the old SINGLE me was back just like that..for 7 months we broke up. I went right back into my mode of random ppl…didn’t care about them really. Developed the mentality out of sight out of mind, isn’t that just like a man? Then he was back…sending me text msg, telling me he missed me, and that he didn’t want me to end up with anyone else, he was stupid, didn’t know what he was thinking…and I fell for it and took him back!! Then 10 months later…over again, so now I am back in my mode of random people.

Now I had to tell you all this to lead up to this story. Also to explain why, I have decided not to fall in love or try to fall in love for awhile. So back in my mode…so I met this guy on line actually have known him for a VERY long time, only met him face to face once about 3 yrs ago. We never hooked up…but we recently started to chitchat online again. So I figured after 3 yrs, he could become my “Local BC”-don’t judge – a girl has needs, and before this it had been like over 2 months and I had had it and NEEDED it…and wanted nothing more..and he seemed like the perfect BC! He is in his mid 30’s doesn’t seem like he is no where near wanting to settle down or date just one person. So no commitment perfect no falling in love…no expectation from DAY ONE. So I finally went over and we “hooked up” a few months back …Sex was pretty good. But right afterwards, this man all of a sudden starts showing me pictures of his kids and his grandma! Then starts asking me questions about me and all curious…and I am thinking NO stop asking me questions, you are not suppose to be trying to get to know me! Then he calls me and is asking when he can see me again and we can do other things than just have sex! But then the next week I got really sick and then my period came the week after that. So when he asked to see me for sex and I told him I was on my period he asked again if I just wanted to hang out and I said I would call when my period ended so I think I made it clear to him now! He was a little upset at first, but we eventually we hooked up one more time. Now he is like we have to see each other more than just once in awhile…do this more often, but I think I am already over it. Well at least he seems to be on the same page as far as it being just sex again and not asking me to go do things together or asking me questions…so we will see if I will see him again.

But since I am not trying to fall in love nor just see one person right now…I have another friend…we will call him the “out of towner” BC. Again another internet friend, lives out of state. But has family here, so comes home sometimes. We mainly stay in touch online, we IM each other or text each other and actually have had some interesting conversations. We have known each other over a year as well but only recently tried to get together. But something happen can’t remember now, then I met someone that I really liked and kinda just stopped talking to everyone and was being good but then he turned flaky, so back to my single mode, so I started to talk to the out of towner again. Problem was he was a out of town, so I had to add a local to the mix….but then we finally got together and let me tell you..the sex was WOW….so I may be in a little trouble with this one…but as I was laying next to him and he was sound asleep and as incredible as the sex was, I couldn’t help but think do I really want to get to know this guy? Or is it just sex and remain friends, not let emotions get involved. Then I started to think about how I just did not have the patience to learn another mans habits or see if they can handle me at my worst etc. Then I started to think about my ex-boyfriend with the little girl (now if my GF’s that know me read this, it was just a weak moment, I have come to my senses since then) and just missed them! He of course, has been recently trying to get back with me again! But he is being more subtle this time, mainly using his daughter to stay in touch and telling me, she misses me and us. Uggh Over it all….

So I ask you, am I just confused so blocked from love that I am incapable of loving someone again? When I was with the ex-boyfriend it was nice to be in a relationship again, and I was good the whole time..no back pockets no nothing…so I know its there but I don’t want to get in the habits I was in before him. But here I go again trying to start the BC thing but already getting bored again…and want more. So I think I am throwing in the towel..over the BC’s already and don’t think I can love again, so NOW what???

To date someone and really see if it can grow in to love…..I really like the out-towner but lets face it do long distance relationships work? I tried it for like 3 months and that just was impossible. I just think I am incapable of love, true love anymore….

Dazed and Confused and Incapable to Love IN VEGAS

So not single in sin city, but definetly going through the normal crap!!! Having a semi normal and interesting conversation in bed with your other half, goes ok….considering the fact he keeps asking me to “slob his knob”…lucky me huh ladies?….Then we get to the conversation on lifestyles..I say that I love our house, but I would be just as happy in an apartment or renting as long as I have my family and people around me I love and love me…because when you die ladies you can’t take things with you to the grave…… My other half states how the “American Dream” is to own your on home, work so you can provide for your family and have the better things in life(which he denies saying) and at the end of your life you can say I accomplished something! Now the ladies who know me, know of him…so my comment was “your obsessed with money”….I didn’t say it threatening, or even rudely I just said it….Guess what scoops Of crticism I received for that comment? That I belong with my
ex-husband and that I’m a loser with a loser mentality…Great…Please tell me..was my comment completely out of line? Ofcourse, there’s pieces I’m leaving out, but let’s b e honest…did that line call for that comment?…. We’re honest and since obviously I’m a loser, I cannot make the sound judgement of a normal person, I need some assistance….

So why I still talk to the asshole- who knows, but I am very proud of myself for the following rant I just gave him- feel free to copy and paste to the asses in your life sisters!

here is what I absolutley don’t understand- it’s not fate, its not Gods, its not that you can’t give me what I want- it’s that you DONT, you WONT, for some reason you see this as all out of your contraol when it is completely and totally in your hands and in your power
 and I think its very passive aggressive
I think you are not accepting any responsibility
 its annoying, its selfish to put it all on someone else
or something else or whatever
and I don’t get it because in every other aspect of your life you are in control
you accept responsibility
 you take action
but with me, for some reason, with ME, you just won’t
and it is very hurtful to love someone that throws that away and won’t give you a reason other than the gods
if you would just say, NO M, I don’t love you at least that I would understand- I could wrap my brain on that
but instead you put it on me
I have to be the one to say that and make it some self-actualization thing
and be hurt, and you sit there – la dee da- well I never meant to hurt you, well I don’t want to hurt you- I will do what you want
and I tell you what I want and you say, I’ve never been able to give you what you want!
it’s absolute bullshit is what it is
 you can take a day off for R, for family, you can get on a plane for a guys weekend, you can take a full 2 weeks to stay in London
you have power to do all that but you say you love me and you have no control as to if we ever see each other again
that you leave to fate
like I said I don’t fall in love often or easily- if you do good for you, but think long and hard before you just chew it up and spit it out
or even worse, just sit there and do nothing and let it just go by

Not going to be abother sucker in sin city!

So all my recent blogs about the click and the thing and letting go- I am a liar.  A total liar- sorry guys.  Because I did exactly what I tell all my friends NOT to do.  Igot sucked back in by the ex- the one- the ass- ha!  I let him talk to me and I believed him and all the crap that happened why we broke up (essentially his words never matched his actions- well the issue was actually that he never took ANY action) went away and I truly believed for a moment that things had changed.  And then WHAM!  Punch in the gut.  Which I probably karmic-ally deserved for all the punching in the face I did over The Bachelor (if you haven’t read that blog- read down!).

I cannot believe I cried.  In front of people.  In a bar.  And my bartender, my sweet, sweet bartender, said, “At least now I know your human.”  Which in a weird way made me feel a little bit better. 

It’s time to face facts.  He likes what he gets from me and I give it freely (he lives in another country, so don’t go there people).  He will never give back to me.  The thing is I don’t fall in love easily or often, so maybe its more heartwrenching to me when someone throws it away.  Throws me away.  And even today he is so passive aggressive.  Well, if that’s what you want- I’ll back off.  No, of course that’s not what I want.  I want you to stop being a complete and total selfish asshole.  I want you to give back, just a little bit.  I want you to get your stupid ass on a plane and see me and hold me and see where this is going and why we are so stuck on each other after 2 years.  I want to be one of your priorities.  I want you to care about my day, my life.  But he, he just wants me here, always there for him, knowing someone out there loves him I guess is enough.  To me love is a verb, to him, apparently it’s an adjective.

So that’s it folks.  I’ll get over it.  I always do.  You have to, right?  At least I know I have the capacity to love.   And I have great friends, and a great bartender.  That’s something!

Found my heart and it SUCKS in sin city.